Jul 20, 2007

DECIDING WHETHER TO CARE...

Human relations are funny... strange... tiring... and most frustrating. They always leave you confused.
You are always stuck on what to do, and every damn thing turns out to be the wrong thing, or it has something which has to go wrong. Something has to prick, somewhere.

If you don't care, you are the selfish, insensitive, snob. If you care, you are the emotional fool, prone to all the hurt in the world.

And it is impossible to stay in between, cos you are just swinging then, going where the wind takes you, losing your will, like a wind-chime - pleasant but tied and pushed by the wind.

I don't know IF I SHOULD CARE. Everytime I do, i feel the prick. I am like a sponge. Absorbing, becoming heavy, taking in every damn drop. It hurts, it pricks, it even tatters and tears me.

But I would hate being the insensitive stone too. I can't.

Why does life's gratification always include a choice between the sponge and stone? Why do both hurt? Can it never be harmless?

Sigh! Maybe i care too much. I still do. But I try and hide it now from everyone, from myself too.But, I am tired of the pricks, tired of absorbing.

I try to change. I try. But, I can't get to being indifferent.

Maybe I am just a fool. But, I still don't know whether to care.

Jul 9, 2007

Buzzy Fly - Mission 'Harass Haem'!!

"It has become so hot. The sun has decided to roast my poor delicate body. Now its impossible to fly around any longer. I will have to get some rest. Maybe a parapet or a tree will do for a while.

Hey what it that? The weather!! O My God, its changing. I can see the clouds coming. I can sense them. I will have to tell my fellowmates and warn them. We have to start planning now and start buzzing around in groups.
'Hey guys! Did you notice the change in the weather? Its here now. Any moment. Come on, lets gang up now. Its the attack season, the season on invasion. Lets prepare our strategy.'
This is what we do every time. We are now buzzing in groups or rather a swarm as you would term it. Oh my God, its starting to rain!!
'Come on warriors, that house there. I see the window open. Lets rush in everyone. Fast fast, move it!

Try and invade each and every corner of the house that you can. The rain will not get us here. We are quite safe. Just be alert of those stupid fly swatters. Have your reflexes on guard.

Oh look there... target spotted. I think it will be good to start attack. Everyone move towards the human. Her name is Haem. Surround her.

Now, everyone, remember your job is to keep on buzzing in her ear. Create as much noise as possible. But never do that in a way that she can see you. Stay out of sight. That is more irritating. The other, groups 2 and 3, you are in charge of the hand and torso. Work like you are playing Kabaddi. You have to touch and fly away. Just remember, touch and fly away, and do it in turns. Never at the same side. When one finishes his turn on one side, the other takes over on the other and then back to one, and so on.

Groups 4 and 5, leg area. Keep moving around it and while circulating, like groups 2 and 3, keep touching and flying away. Remember, fly within sight for some time and then disappear and then come back within sight. All this has to be very quick.

Group 6 should be incharge of food. Everytime a plate or any morsel is spotted, it is your job to attack it. Hover over it, sit on it, and dont let Haem peacefully finish it. We have our right on it too, so while some can distract her by flying around her, the rest can deal with the food.

I will be incharge of overall supervision, and will continue to hover everywhere, and distract as much as possible.

MISSION BEGIN!!'
We have begun our mission and the hovering continues. This will be our daily task till the rains stop. And since the windows will not be closed always, we always have a way to enter. Once we are in, who can shoo us out. Sometimes they try and scare us with napkins but we fool them as we pretend to get out of the house and come right back in.

Its invasion time, and our mission -
HARASS HAEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. NOT TO LET HER EAT AND SIT IN PEACE AND KEEP BUZZING AND KEEP BUZZING. HA HA!"

Jul 5, 2007

Try it!



Have you ever tried talking to them? Have you tried playfully asking them nonsensical question when they come begging to you, like you do normally with kids? And have you had the fortune of seeing the smiles on their faces?

Project Care, conversations at the sea side, smiles while I am walking, talks in the train... lots of times and lots of smiles I can remember.

I say, TRY IT. Its worth it.


The smile that was still there

A ragged pair of shorts on the plump body lay
debating whether to fall or not,
tousled hair more like the styles of today,
dark skin contrasting with the cream interiors of the local train;
staggering steps automatically finding their way.
Approaching you as soon as you are seen taking a bite
from your food, the lunch leftovers,
Hovering and staring, eyeing the bit,
Trying to pick it from your very fingers;
Not asking for money no whining no crying,
Not even a frown, no beggar seemed he,
Walking aimlessly without a word spoken
Just looking for something for a starving tummy.
Used to the urchins wandering in the trains
And stopping the gush of pity that flows,
You just hand over the food to him
As he grabs the offering, reminding you of scavenger crows.
You watch as he gobbles
And are filled with a feeling so different,
It’s pity, though not so distressing,
Sympathy – with more of compassion,
Sorrow – for the state, the extent of wasted lives,
Happiness – for having removed life-taking hunger,
Wonder – at something that so mysteriously arrives,
All mixed up somewhere deep inside,
None ready to subside.
The food is over, but the hunger lingers,
As he looks at you with grateful hope
Though he knows he can’t get any more.
And then he looks at you
With eyes that strike,
Sad, tired, yet twinkling,
Black and beady and uncannily bright;
And then you see the sign, the sign that says it all,
A smile of brown and disfigured teeth,
A smile despite the hunger, despite a lack of reason,
A smile, that has innocence hidden beneath.
Ten years of life or maybe more
Was what it took for that being to be so,
And was the time worth it
When now he has to forage for a meal, a leftover bit;
Yet, the smile is still there…
A satisfaction strangely soars,
A still it is, no picture perfect,
It haunts you, flashes often, out of nowhere,
Humbles, reminds, touches a chord
The smile that was still there.

© HAEM ROY


Jul 2, 2007

Fear!! and Indulgence...

I just cant stop wondering. I just cant stop asking myself. And i just never get any answer.

A question that pops up again out of what I call my toaster brain (cos sumthin or the other keeps popping) is addiction. There are drugs which visibly get you addicted. You KNOW you are addicted to them. But at times there are moments in life that are all new. You seek something, and you get maybe a part of that. In the ever-lasting quest for gratification, there are times when you think that you have achieved what you wanted. And when you get that you are not ready to let go of it. Why is it that fear always leads to so much attachment? You dont want to let go of something, you cant, cos you dont know if that gratification will ever be gained again. You are afraid of the void that the loss will leave. And the emptiness you cant bear.

When you have care, when you have a soothing voice, when you get something that life has never given you, it is the most wonderful time ever. You seek all that you have never got, you look for all that you always wanted, you try to complete all your inner incompleteness through that one channel. You expect a lot. You want a lot. You dream a lot.

And that leaves a larger void when that channel is blocked. When you have to just hold back and stop. All that was wonderful is over, and all your expectations are shattered eve before they began. You hope for a revival, but deep within you know the channel is blocked. The fear comes again. You cant forego all the expectations and the memories so easily and they will continue to haunt you. The shattered pieces will reflect all that was, and make you want to have it all over again. And these very pieces will stop you from being more receptive to other channels now.

The fear is here again. This time it will be the fear of venturing into another channel. Cos the ghosts of the old one still give you shivers!

Material things give so much joy at times. They are the best therapy, the best distraction when you want to get your mind off something that you don't seem to be in control of, indulging yourself is the best thing.

And so i indulged...
I got a funky new haircut... and that too for free.

And, I got a niiicceee new party top... yaaaay! (tho since I hardly ever...actually never... go partying it is not much of use...but well i wanted it!!) And again, not out of my own pocket (feels much much better when it isnt you thats paying)!!

Went roaming the streets of Colaba Causeway with Mariette in the rains, and it was good. I also bought some chappals and beads!!)

I love walking in the rain. I was splashing into all possible puddles as always.

The rains are another therapy that always work for me. They just uplift your mood. They seem to be talking to you, whispering to your mind, and I like what they seem to say. The feel of having raindrops do a little dance on your face, or that of the leaves hustling and talking to the wind as they become green again... its all so nice. And also... someone has said, which i totally agreed to - "I like walking in the rain because it hides my tears" It just washes them away and drains me...

After the rains and the shopping therapy... Am i distracted? Has it helped enough? lets not get into that. For now... yaaaaaaaaay i got new stuff! And yes, if you wish, you are welcome to buy me more :D